I. Halloween Preparation
Do not eat anything all day on Halloween. Save as much room as possible for all the delicious candy that looms in your future! Tip: If you need a quick energy boost during the Trick-or-Treating process, you've got candy right in front of you, so eat some and continue on your mischievous way.
Halloween falls on October 31 this year.
Even if you have friends or parents, you should always Trick-or-Treat alone. It is best to go out by yourself so no one slows you down. If you are stuck with a younger sibling, ditch them and go score your candy. Your parents will understand, and they will applaud your mature decision.
Disregard the supposed "official" day and time that Trick-or-Treating begins in your town. Trick-or-Treating must only occur on October 31; observing this ritual on any day before October 31 is an affront to your ancestors and will not be tolerated.
The best time to go out is under the cover of darkness on Halloween night, at about 9:00 pm; Trick-or-Treating should continue, uninterrupted, until midnight or later.
II. Let's Talk Costumes, Shall We?
Make sure there are eye holes cut in your mask, but not TOO big, because big eye holes look stupid. Make them as small as you can. Tip: The best way to cut sufficient eye holes is to put on your mask and find out where the eye holes should be. Then, with the mask still on, use an X-acto blade or sharp knife to cut away the mask around your eyeballs. Do it quickly.
Store-bought makeup can be expensive, so save some cash by using things from around your house. Basements and garages are a treasure trove of great makeup alternatives. If you're looking for a way to paint your face, find household paint cans and spray paint for some quick color. Glues and other adhesives can give you some realistic skin effects, just like liquid latex. And why use fake blood when your body is full of the real thing?
Do not wear anything that is "flame retardant" because that is insensitive and definitely NOT cool. You shouldn't say that word.
Bigger = Better. The bigger and heavier your costume, the cooler it will look! Consider adding a bunch of hanging pieces to your costume that reach the ground, because that will look awesome. So now that you have your huge costume with lots of loose, hanging parts, it's time to run around the neighborhood as fast as you can.
If your costume looks better without shoes, get rid of them already.
If your costume requires the use of a scythe, a pitchfork, a ninja sword, a gun, or some other kind of weapon, the key here is realism. If you don't have the actual metal weapon, and instead you have a plastic novelty version, try to sharpen the tips of the plastic so that they still do damage to human flesh.
Make sure to be a little nerd and affix brightly-colored neon patches upon your stupid costume, so cars can see you in the night and you can look like a loser.
Do not carry any form of identification on you. It defeats the purpose of being in a costume! Remember: You are a new being on Halloween. You are not the foolish mortal that you were on Oct. 30.
It is customary to wait at least two years after the death of a celebrity before dressing up as a dead version of said celebrity. You should also hold off on dressing as certain disgraced yet living celebrities at the moment. They will die soon, and from there you must wait at least two years.
Never dress as a "sexy" variation of anything, unless it is one of the following: a sexy aborted fetus, a sexy bucket of vomit and diarrhea, or Blanche Devereaux.
Never dress as a character from a Disney movie (this includes Star Wars characters and Marvel Comics characters). In fact, never watch Disney movies.
If you are on a college campus, consider yelling out "Trigger Warning!" instead of "Trick or Treat!" when you arrive at someone's safe space in their community, so she/her/hers will be emotionally prepared for opening the door and providing you with vegan treats. (Failure to do so may be considered a hate crime)
95% of Halloween costumes are racist, and this percentage is rising each year. Choose wisely.
Expressing political opinions via Halloween costumes is so original and hilarious!! Be the only person in town who employs such a witty costume choice.
Do not wear your costume to school, because today's schools are dangerous battle zones where even the slightest misstep can and will lead to detentions, expulsions, lawsuits, bullying, and shootings.
Everyone's a critic, and if you see a costume that you don't like, do something about it! For example, this one time I was Trick-or-Treating and I was a really cool ninja. And so I'm out doing my thing, and I come across this kid who's dressed like a Pilgrim! What!? Employing my sharp wit, I picked up a big stone and yelled "It's time to land on Plymouth Rock!" and I threw the stone at the kid's head. It knocked her out cold! Then I stole all of her candy. Survival of the fittest.
III. Halloween Tactics and Standard Operating Procedures
Shortcuts are vital! Always cut across lawns and in some cases, backyards. After all, according to Copernicus, the quickest path between 2 points is a straight line, and that dude was wicked smart!
When crossing a street, you have the right of way because you are a pedestrian, and this is THE LAW. Cars are not allowed to hit you, so don't just stand there, waiting for them to pass. But if there are cars and you are in a hurry, it is recommended that you run across the street as fast as you can. Remember: Safety is key.
Do not plan a route or a time for returning home. Utilize the elements of surprise and spontaneity.
Dogs are man's best friend and they just want to play, even if they are barking wildly. If you meet any dogs, you should quickly approach them and give them lots of love, vigorous attention and a few of your chocolate treats.
When you come across a bowl filled with candy that has a sign attached reading "Please take one," you must take the entire bowl, including the bowl. (In the event that this bowl is filled with lame candy, like boxes of raisins, or natural/organic yuppie garbage from Whole Foods, or Halls Vapor-Action cough drops, it is customary to knock the bowl to the ground and step on all of the candy.)
If you receive any non-candy like pennies or apples, remember which house you got it at and return there later in the night and decorate their house with graffiti. According to Family Circle magazine, satanic graffiti such as large pentagrams, inverted crosses, and a few 6’s here and there are classic and effective graffiti options.
Should you come across a house that has no lights on, take matters into your own hands. A large rock will allow entry into the previously inaccessible house and from this point, head to the kitchen, since that is where treats are usually kept. Yum!
If a lonely man invites you inside of his house and whispers to you that he has all kinds of awesome treats inside, you would be a fool to pass up such an opportunity! Hopefully, your mother did not raise a fool. So accept this most gracious offer, go inside and score your treats.
The federal government has the ability to detain citizens indefinitely, without a trial, for virtually any reason, so be careful.
You will encounter pumpkins and Jacko-lanterns during your Halloween Expedition. There are a number of ways to deal with them, so be creative! Punching and kicking the guts out of them is good, basic fun. The most fun, though, is hurling the pumpkins at passing vehicles. Extra points are scored if you hit a police car!
Do not get kidnapped. I can't help you with this one. Maybe playing dead will help? Remember: Not getting kidnapped is the key to a safe and fun Halloween.
IV. Final Thoughts
Leave that smartphone at home. It's really annoying how you're always rubbing on your phone all the time and uploading data to the social media, so knock it off already.
Flashlights are for wussies and don’t even think about using a glowstick. The only thing glowsticks are good for is breaking open and drinking the contents. Try it if you want to be cool.
Should Halloween be really cold or rainy, I don't want to hear any complaining! Just get out there and get the job done already.
Don't bother reporting suspicious or criminal activity to the police, because 911 is a joke in your town. The cops would probably just plant drugs in your candy sack, handcuff you, pepper-spray you, beat you up, and take you downtown for a night in the slammer.
If you're Christian, do NOT go Trick-or-Treating. You will go to Hell. Better safe than sorry!
If you're Jewish, you should still go Trick-or-Treating (unless Halloween falls on a Saturday). I'm pretty sure G-d will allow it (some candy is kosher), and it's not like this is Christmas or anything - this holiday is about the birth of Satan, and we can all unite in our unholy rituals to celebrate His dark rule.
If you, like millions of Americans, practice the Islamic faith, then you've got a great built-in costume, ready to go! Everyone's scared of terrorists, and burqas could double as ghostly death shrouds or mysterious ninja gear. Tip: Muslim women should not go Trick-or-Treating without their father or husband present. Better safe than sorry!
Don't adjust any type of steel lithium projector unless authorized or instead stretch porous capsules with the assistance of formula #20f.
Does your candy look like it's been tampered with, have a white powder coating it, have a sharp metallic object inserted in it, or emit a foul odor not unlike rotten meat or bleach? Offer those pieces to an adult, free of charge!
You know the rule: Don't be a fool! Stay in school, because it is cool!
Finally, make sure to thoroughly enjoy Halloween until the very end because when you wake up the next morning, on November 1, it is officially the Holiday Season and the good times will have come to an end... only to be replaced by the agony of shopping at malls with the money you don't have. This, my friends, is the REAL HORROR.